Dear Vanessa,
My son is 29 and has a good full-time job, but I’ve realised I’m still paying for quite a lot of his life.
Some of it has just slid on over the years. I run my own business and his phone and internet have always been on the business accounts, so I’ve never really thought about it. I also still pay his health insurance and a couple of subscriptions.
None of these things on their own are huge, but when I recently added them up I thought, why am I still paying for all this when he’s 29 and earning good money?
Then there are family holidays. I usually pay for him to come because, if I’m completely truthful, I’m not sure he would come if he had to pay for himself. Having all my children together means a lot to me, so I keep doing it.
His brother and sister pay their own way and they’ve started making comments about why I keep paying for him. I can understand why it annoys them.
I’ve tried raising money with him before and he gets defensive. His attitude is basically that I can afford it, so what’s the problem?
I know I’ve allowed this to happen. I’ve never actually sat him down and said, you’re an adult now and these expenses are yours.
But I’m getting older and I’m starting to wonder when enough is enough.
How do you financially cut off an adult child after years of paying for things without them turning on you or causing a huge falling-out?
And I hate admitting this, but I’m also worried that if I stop paying for things — particularly the holidays — I might see less of him.
Rachel
Rachel, I don’t think the phone bill is what you’re really frightened of losing. You’re frightened of losing your son.
And that makes this much harder than simply cancelling a few direct debits.
I don’t think you’ve done anything terrible by letting it slide. You’ve been helping your son because you love him and, until now, you haven’t had a strong enough reason to change things.
But now you do.
Your other children are noticing. You’re questioning it yourself. And most importantly, you’re starting to realise that part of the reason you continue paying isn’t generosity. It’s fear.
That’s the bit I would pay attention to.
Are you paying because you want to, or because you’re scared not to?
There is nothing wrong with spending money on adult children if you can afford it and genuinely want to.
You can take your whole family on holiday. You can shout everyone dinner. You can give your children money. It’s your money and your choice.
But there’s an important difference between saying, “I’d love to take my children away and I’m happy to pay,” and thinking, “If I don’t pay for my son, he won’t come.”
One is a gift. The other starts to feel like a price you’re paying for the relationship.
And no parent should have to keep paying a 29-year-old’s bills because they’re frightened he’ll withdraw his company if they stop.
Don’t make it a fight
I wouldn’t suddenly cancel everything and wait for him to discover his phone has been cut off.
I’d have one calm conversation.
Tell him that you’ve realised a number of his expenses are still sitting on your accounts simply because that’s how things have always been. He’s working and independent now, so you’re going to start transferring them across to him.
Give him a reasonable date.
You don’t need a long explanation about retirement, fairness or how much you’ve already spent on him. And I wouldn’t make his siblings part of the argument. This is between you and him.
Something as simple as: “I’ve realised I’m still paying your phone, internet, health insurance and subscriptions. They’ve just carried on from when you were younger. You’re earning now, so from January I’m going to hand those over to you.”
Then stop talking.
He may not like it. That’s very different from you doing something wrong.
The holidays are a separate decision
If having everyone together brings you enormous joy and you can comfortably afford to pay, there is nothing inherently wrong with doing that.
But be truthful with yourself about why you’re paying.
If you’re paying for all your children because you want to give them a family holiday, that’s generous.
If your other children pay while you quietly cover your son’s costs because otherwise he won’t spend time with you, I’d question whether that’s a pattern you want to keep reinforcing.
Your other children may also be seeing something you haven’t wanted to look at: the child who takes responsibility for themselves can sometimes end up receiving less, while the child who pushes back keeps getting more.
Over many years, that can create resentment.
There isn’t a magic birthday when parents should stop helping their children.
The better question is: is my help helping them become more independent, or making it easier for them not to be?
Your son has a job. He can apparently afford these expenses. What he doesn’t currently have is any reason to take them over because you’re paying them.
So give him one.
And Rachel, if your relationship with your son changes because you stop paying his phone bill, then the phone bill was never the real problem.
You may have to tolerate some annoyance while the dynamic changes. Don’t mistake his displeasure for a family crisis.
You can love your son, be generous with him and enjoy spoiling him occasionally without remaining financially responsible for him.
In fact, at 29, handing him his own bills may be one of the more loving things you can do.
All the best,
Vanessa